Hot Weather Can Go To Hell

I have long claimed that I would like to live somewhere that gets a “real winter.”  You might think that this desire comes from growing up in areas that have somehow deprived me of the true winter experience, and while that is partly responsible – the real reason stems for my immense hatred of hot weather.  Now listen, I realize that somewhere there is a little icicle person, wearily shoveling their driveway for the umpteenth time, waving their fist at me, yelling, “I would KILL FOR HOT WEATHER!”  However, I am not that person.  In fact, if you gave me the option to have tiny ice cubes systematically injected into my blood or step outside of air conditioning for one second during a Texas summer, I would gladly pick the former.

People from cold weather states love to challenge me on the assertion that I want to live somewhere where it is possible to get tired of the snow (How can you get tired of it??  It is so MAGICAL!).  My father in particular, a native of the frozen tundra that is Northern Maine, has said to me on more than one occasion, “Kristi, you are a crazy person.  You don’t even know what real cold is.  Just wait until you are so cold you feel it in your bones.”  And then he shivers at the memory.  To me, all I hear is, “Blah blah blah SNOW!!!  Blah blah blah”  In case you are new to this blog or simply don’t remember, I once composed this post, after a week of temperatures reaching over 100 degrees last summer, and even though last week Dallas saw actual temperatures in the teens (crazy!), I still stand by it.  Just thinking about being so hot and miserable that it doesn’t even cool down at night makes me shiver at the memory.  So take that, Father.

However well meaning these concerns from the thick blooded Northerners and Midwesterners were, I never took them too serious.  Until I spent a week in the city of Chicago during New Years.  My Southern bred blood was not nearly thick enough to deal with temperatures of FOUR!  My mind was blown!  I asked a bartender if this was the coldest it has ever been and we were witnessing history, to which he laughed and shared with me some horror stories of being stuck inside of your car while you were driving BECAUSE IT WAS SO COLD OUTSIDE THE DOOR FROZE SHUT!  It was like the opposite of the “It was so hot, I fried an egg on the sidewalk!” stories.  I began to doubt my resolve to experience a real winter (and avoid a real summer), when I soon found my savior.  While flipping through the Skymall catalogue on the plane ride home, I found this!

IT IS A SELF HEATED JACKET!  You charge it and wear it and you aren’t cold, BECAUSE YOU ARE WEARING A HEATER!  That is ingenious!  You can’t strap an air conditioner to yourself during a Texas Summer and live to tell about it.  It would kill you by being gigantic and electric!  This, of course, bolstered my plan, and caused me to research other cold weather gear that I will buy once I finally move to a location where a slight smattering of snow does not immediately cause major traffic delays and school closures.

I present to you, my winter wardrobe:

I go to the floor! No cold air can sneak up me!!

This lovely and stylish parka will be worn over top of my heated vest.  The one-two combo will most definitely keep out any cold air from making me cold or even getting near my poor precious skin.

I am scary but warm!!

This lovely thing is called a balaclava, but Blake and I refer to it as Baklava, which is an entirely different and more delicious thing.  In case you want to see all the uses of this lovely and warm face mask/hat combo, I give you this:

The many uses of a Balaclava

See all the ways I can keep my face/neck/head warm?!?!?!

I never really knew that people wore long underwear besides on ski trips.  This is mostly due to the fact that it is rarely below 50 here in Dallas.  Imagine my surprise when I asked some of my friends from Chicago how in the world you were supposed to keep your legs warm if your coat didn’t go down that far – and the answer was, “Are you not wearing long johns?”  Therefore, in the spirit of warm legs, I present to you the above long johns.  According to the website they are “Genuine U.S. Military Issue Polypropylene Thermals, a vital part of the Extended Cold Weather Clothing System (ECWCS)” so you know they must be serious, and therefore will keep me warm.

Yeah, that’s right.  Boots lined with fur.

Double warm head!

This is for on top of my balaclava.  Just in case!!

Yup, fur lined gloves for my little hands.