Beeping, Snoring, and Sleep Theft

After having a weird dream in which I was receiving emergency leg transplants that just happened to be identical to my 8 pound dog’s legs (that’s right, I was going to have tiny yorkie legs), I was woken up this morning to a soft, “beep, beep, beep.”  I sleepily opened my eyes, surveyed the room and immediately fell back asleep.  About 15 seconds later I heard another, “beep, beep, beep.”  I opened my eyes again, turned over and noticed it was 6:00 in the morning and fell back asleep.  Fifteen more seconds pass and three more beeps wake me.  This time I wake up to Porky standing on my head staring down at me.  I swear, she mouthed the words, “Make it stop!”  At this point, I am awake long enough to hear another beeping interlude coming from Blake’s side of the bed. Further investigation reveals that the beeping is a result of his blood sugar monitor, alerting him that he has ventured too far away from it during his sleep.  Blake, of course, king of sleeping and snoring, has not even remotely heard any of the beeping alarm situated one foot from his face.  I grab his arm, probably a little roughly, and say, “Blake, your blood sugar monitor is beeping at you.”  I lay in the dark, listening as Blake types a few commands into his monitor, and promptly falls back asleep, snoring loudly.

At this point, I am wide awake, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, as Blake slowly breathes in less and less air as his snoring becomes louder and louder, culminating in a long silence then gasp for air.  Sleep apnea at its finest.  I stare over at Porky, who is staring back at me and willing me to smother Blake with a pillow.  That little dog is murderous. Luckily for Blake, I do not share Porky’s murderous intentions, and I simply turn to face the clock and watch as it slowly counts down to 6:30 then 6:45, and finally 7:10, when my alarm goes off.

I let it loudly buzz until Blake stops snoring, and then satisfied that his sleep was interrupted, I snooze it and try vainly to sleep for an additional 10 minutes.  However, seeing as how I cannot fall asleep in the 2 second window between Blake’s silence and his snoring, the loud noises emanating from the lump next to me keep me from falling back asleep. 7:20 comes, and the alarm again wakes him up.  This time, I am furious!  Porky is also furious!  (Chopper, is in Blake’s camp, with the ability to sleep through pretty much everything on the planet except for maybe if you picked him up and threw him across the room.  That MIGHT wake him.) I throw the covers off of me and stomp to the bathroom, exclaiming, “Blake!  Your snoring and beeping robbed me of an extra 1.5 hours of sleep!  Next time I am going to send you to the couch!”

Blake looks up at me, all innocence and sleepiness, glances at the Chopper, blissfully sleeping next to him, closes his eyes again and within 3 seconds continues with his snoring.

My Dogs Hate Me and My Sleep

For anyone who doesn’t know, I have two dogs.  Two very small dogs.  They are the type of dogs that really say something (uncool) about the person who owns them.  I am hyper aware of this fact, so usually when people ask me what kind of dogs I have, I end up sounding something like this:  “I live in an apartment so the dogs have to be small and oh yeah, I adopted one of them, and please don’t judge me I am not “that” girl, Ihaveayorkieandchihuahua.”  Porky the Yorkie and Chopper the Chihuahua, specifically.  Collectively, they are known as the Pork Chop.

Now, listen.  I love these dogs.  I am sure that future blog posts will be full of how funny it was when Chopper…I don’t know…did something funny.  Or how adorable Porky is when she adorabled around.

However.

I am currently under the impression that these two little dogs were put on this planet and subsequently under my care as some sort of huge cosmic plan to make sure I never get enough sleep.  You might be wondering, “How do two little dogs conspire to make sure Kristi always is awake before 7:30!?!  That is crazy talk!”  Let me explain about my last few mornings…

So there I am.  Peacefully sleeping and dreaming about nothing in particular, when I am rudely awakened by a little Yorkie scratching the pillow next to my head.  As usual, this is the signal that Porky wants to get up and go to the bathroom.  Also as usual, I ignore her.  She then ups the ante, moving her scratching from beside my head to scratching IN MY HAIR.  This hurts, so I normally like to move to the far end of the bed, away from her.  She is relentless, so she simply walks over to where I am now sleeping, and resumes scratching my hair like she is digging her way THROUGH my hair AND the bed to the floor below.  Normally this is where I have a thought something like this, “Maybe if I can somehow get her interested and digging her way through Blake’s hair, she will leave me alone and HE will wake up and take the dogs out.”  This NEVER happens.  Blake can snore his way through a million READ MORE